I wake up every single morning disliking reality. Or better said ... my reality. I open my eyes ... saying ... "Not again!" ... really disliking a new day is starting. Actually ... to make myself better understood ... i feel all as a drama. Being extremely intense. Feeling annoyed. Frustrated. Sad ... and then when i finally accept i can't really change anything at all ... depressed. Also ... hopeless. And even after reading and meditating a lot ... then analysing my thoughts and feelings one million times ... realising it's all an illusion ... i still can't redefine my attitude. I am simply overwhelmed ... most probably of the emotional. But ... I continue writing. Analysing and defining the dynamics of all my intense moments ... truly trying to redefine everything ... but failing. Not being strong enough ... and of course not being afraid to use the magic word ... "weakness" ... which actually looks so tragically ... but is in fact the root of my problems. Of my illusory pain. So .... I am alone. Then in duality. I am connecting ... trying to become one with this woman which i am in love with ... and ... Yes ... i am confused and extremely confusing in front of public. I use to say ... trying to save myself ... illusory drama ... but it's unclear if it's actually about drama or just an illusion. Things being ... strange. I certainly don't have the ability to clarify not even for myself ... if it is true or false all what i think and feel ... but i am happy i am finally not ashamed anymore to define all. Actually ... not being afraid of the ridiculous anymore. Of being pathetic. Even if i am. And it's not that i am stamping myself with such a weird attribute ... but ... practicing self therapy ... i do all my best to be honest. Or at least ... stop lying. Stop lying myself.
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